So, winter is finally slowly gone and spring is just around the corner (hopefully) and i just did lots of things that sounds really miserable. Well, people might think that i am a loser or just a loner stranded in another continent hoping to get a clean slate of life and yet still stuck on the old habit. What is new is that i drank a couple of cheap white wine and a british tobacco and enjoying a very fast internet, keep on watching free films on internet without any interrupting from a buffering session, not like in my country though. Which is very amusing at the moment, but there comes a time when i finally realise that i have been procrastinating shit, i mean stuffs that need to be done. let's say my school stuff which i reckon i need to be out more doing some research which i haven't done it at all.
I suppose the weather is encourages me to stay in bed all day wondering what it feels like to have a lot of things to do, just like when i was working back home. Lots of deadline, lots of research which seems more real life. But, then i do acknowledge that some of people just jealous with what i have now and yet i feel so guilty about what i am doing. its like i don't have brain to work or think which i really need it at the moment. its like i am losing the ability to work on something, producing something that hopefully can inspire, motivate or at least people who's watching it can be informed by what i produced. I just being a totally shit.
My two main project which i did it on my first semester doesn't get a good feed back from the way i expected but hey, in other side, its what i am here for. i am learning, in the process of being a better journalist, filmmaker, writer, screenwriter, director (if that is so appropriate to say for me at the moment) or whatever you called it in these days. somehow, the feed back i did get its like a self reflection which i sort of already know and i knew i can do better, produce it better but i just don't. because i was to overwhelmed with what i got this moments then i totally forget, losing sight of focus, tempted by all things happens here and i just totally forget.
Then i started to questioning myself. Why am i here now?. Yes, i do know that i am pursuing my master. the one thing i have been dreaming of is finally come true but then as some wise person might say or cliche words we almost find it everywhere. Whenever it comes to your dreams, whether are you pursuing or have come true, it always, always comes the obstacles around to tempt and trying to push you down, disbelieving, doubting your faith in what your pursuing. Trust me, i feel really bless in what i have now at the moment, nothing i can ask more other than being healthy, keeping my family in a good health and prosperous way and please keep them while i am away thousand miles from home.
But, somehow i feel like my brain is stop working. I know, i know, it is me that making it stop from working, i just love delaying stuff which i know, i really need to run or more appropriate to say is i should sprint. what happened to me now is no one can help actually. no one can actually listen to me because i am the one who knows the exact get away from what i have been through and i can easily get distracted by what people think of me. people can easily judge nowadays by their social media but to know the truth to be exact is you actually need to speak to them directly. i declare myself that i am not living in the past, but the past taught me really much of life lessons which i reckon that i failed some of the times and in some parts i succeed. but why do i care what people think about me. The people who knows you the truth is your family, who had live with you for almost half of your time in this loving earth.
So, here i am, away from home and trying to complement my life into something which i reckon its still a mystery and yet its like chasing a ghost. a ghost for me now its like a metaphor. you know whenever you trying so hard to find a ghost, that ghost is actually never appeared to you. all you need is wait for the moment with a good preparation of course. what i am saying is that ghost equally means to an idea. an idea for the my final project that soon i will be working on and hopefully, will have some funding to cooperate with.
anyway, i am bluffing. what the hell. i don't really care. does my blog useful for others? i have no idea. lets say i just working on to write in english, practicing for the upcoming essays. and what is new?? ooh there is going to be plenty of new things. i believe that. and now, whilst i am preparing stuff, i also going to be waiting for the moment. ok, ok i know, you might say, you can't wait for the moment, you need to chase it. all right, chill woman, i am running into it whilst also enjoying life and moment itself. no need to rush, you'll be miss this moments. Fuck what others say about what i am going through.
Glow, glow baby, Glow, that is all you need. And, feel bless and have faith in whatever your circumstances.
Cheers. xxx
